Here are Stewart's contributions....enjoy!

What do you get if you cross a thief with an Orchestra?...Robbery with violins.

What do you call someone from Stanley in a detached house?...A Burglar!

What do you get if you cross some paper with 2 composers?...A Chopin Listz!

A Baritone player goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck up his nose, "Can you give me something for this?" He says.  "Hang on" says the Doctor, "I'll get you some cream"

A white horse goes into a bar, and as he sidles up to the bar the barman says "Hey we've got a whisky named after you"..."What Ralph?" says the horse.

How many Bandsmen does it take to open a can of beer?...None, it should be open by the time she gets it to the couch!

Hear about the dislexic Devil worshipper?
Sold his soul to santa!

How many Darlington fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?...Both of them!

What's the difference between cornet players and a puppy?...Eventually the puppy grows up and stops whining.

What's the difference between a small blue whale and a big white whale?...Size and colour!

Doctor, doctor, I keep getting into fights...How long have you had this complaint?...Who want's to know?

A Trombone player went on a brewery trip when he fell into a vat of beer and was drowned, so some of the lads went round to break the news to his wife..."Did he suffer?" asked the wife. "I don't think so" said one of the lads, "he got out to go to the loo three times!"

Did you hear about the alcoholic drummer who tried drinking varnish?...He died but he had a lovely finish.

This man stands out in the middle of the road, stops a car and approaches the driver.
"Do you have your licence" asked the man.  "What's it got to do with you?" asks the driver. "Well I'm a police officer sir" says the man.  "No you're not" says the driver, "you're not even wearing a uniform, thats a tweed jacket you've got on"   "That's right sir, this is just a routine check"

Did you hear about the Euphonium player who swallowed a pillow?...He felt a little down in the mouth.

Why did the Band's Conductor draw a chalk dot on the floor?  He wanted to illustrate a point.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?...Two.  One to screw it all the way in, and the other to give it a little twist at the end.

What do you call a baritone player with his legs chopped off at the knees?...Neil.

What do you get if you cross a famous composer with an indian?...Haydn Sikh.

How many Sop players does it take to screw in a light bulb?...Only one, they don't like sharing the limelight.

How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?...What sort of answer did you have in mind?

What do Mexicans have under their carpets?... Underlay, underlay

Sign on a music shop door...
Gone Chopin, back in a minuet

A young lad was chuffed when he got Kevin Phillips autograph after the game. The next week he was waiting again when Phillips came out and asked him for his autograph again.  This went on for the next three weeks and Phillips couldn't hold back any longer and says to the lad, "Look, what's going on, every week you're here asking for my autograph, how many do you want?"  "Just one more" said the lad, "then I can swap the six of yours for one of Alan Shearers".

A man goes to a fancy dress party with a girl over his shoulder.
"I've come as a tortoise" says the man...and pointing to the girl he said, "this is Michelle"!!

What's the difference between cornet players and cheese?
Cheese matures!

Two peanuts were walking down the road.
One was assaulted!

"Waiter there's a small coffin in my wine".
"Well, you said you wanted something with a little body didn't you"!

What's ten feet long & smells of wee?
A Bass section doing the conga!

Where does Quasimodo keep his rabbits?
In a hutch, back of Notre Dame!

What did Snow White say when Boots lost her film?
"Some day my prints will come"

How many ears did Mr Spock have?
3 - a left one, a right one, and a final front ear!!

How do you confuse an idiot?

A man walks up to the bar, and sitting on a stool at the other end he sees a rhino...
"Hey, what's your name" he shouts,
"Neil" says the rhino,
"Bloody hell", says the man, "not Rhino Neil?"

Hear about the ice-cream salesman who was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds & thousands?
Police say he topped himself!

What do you get if you cross a highwayman with a pickle?
Dick Gherkin!

What do you call a man who swims the channel without using his arms and legs?
Clever Dick!!

This man goes to the doctor and tells him..."In the morning I feel like Mickey Mouse, and in the afternoon I feel like Donald Duck".
So the doctor asks him, "Just how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

Why do husbands die before their wives?
Because they want to!

A little girl was sitting on her Grandad's knee..."Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog" she asks?
"No" says the Grandad, "why do you ask?"
"Cos my Dad says that when you croak we're all going to Euro Disney!"

Two men in America are approaching each other on the pavement, each dragging their right leg as they walk.
As they meet, one of the men gives the other a knowing look..."Vietnam 1969?" he says, pointing to the other's leg.
"No, dog sh** 20 yards back" he replies!!

Believe it or not, the above were the very best of Stewart's many contributions.  So, if you think you can do better then PLEASE send us your jokes and if they're suitable for the site, we'll give them pride of place!
email me
This page was last updated on: 13/12/2008
This site is maintained by John and Audrey Gill

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